I had some profound refections yesterday that I want to hold onto.
I am in Colorado, tomorrow I compete in the 20th Annual Ouray Ice Climbing Competition. I just spent a week in this neighbourhood with my boyfriend Tim McAllister enjoying some classic ice and mixed climbing in the San Juans.
Mostly my life is awesome, I just don’t realize it some of the time.
I am very goal oriented and I often have to remind myself that the ‘Joy is in the Journey‘. Its a mantra I use on long belays, arduous approaches and when falling off my project.
A few days ago I had a really low day emotionally. I caught a very brief glimpse into the world of mental illness and depression.
I was aware that I was having “stinking thinking”, but I still was seduced by its dirty and naughty ways. Luckily, I managed to just pout my way through the day, rather than having a full wobbler (temper tantrum).
In hindsight, I attribute this insanity to several things:
1. Full MOON (my favourite)
A friend of mine directed me to a website called the Power Path that called out strong energy around this recent full moon:
Beware of potential conflict when differences in opinion are activated and beware of blame that can occur around personal disappointments. If you find yourself in anger or argument, shift towards a neutral discussion. If you find yourself irritated or impatient, move that feeling towards acceptance and just “let it go”. If you find yourself lethargic or depressed or strangely emotional, move toward gratitude and anything that raises your frequency.
2. My addiction to hard movement. I was working a route where every move felt strenuous and required my brain and body to work hard. On this particular day, I was on an easier climb and I almost felt like a junkie not getting my hard drugs, having to just get by without! crazy!!! I really don’t like this one!
3. Expectations. I had some high expectations on this day and there were many challenges logistically, etc that slowed us down and made the day more work basically. I also felt the pressure of the upcoming competition and performing at a high level ALL the time.
3a. Beginner’s mind (a lack of). This ties into the previous one, but its super important. My first time on a route or in a new area, I am full of gratitude and low/no expectation. I approach everything with a beginner’s mind. This is a rewarding way to enjoy the journey and I want to bring this mind to old projects and routes, etc.
FINALLY, I just realize that despite all my goals ( there are a lot of them, there always will be, and new ones will fill the place) THIS is AS GOOD AS it gets. THIS is IT! we are living the DREAM. We are healthy, able, loved, eating good food, breathing clean air. What an opportunity to travel the world, climb, compete, meet passionate climbers. Feeling the support of loved ones, etc.
Despite all the pressures and expectations: I APPRECIATE where I am at TODAY. This is as GOOD as it gets. and its better to realize it NOW than when its gone!