We killed Lucy today.
I feel dreadfully powerful and numb with loss, sorrow, confusion.
Hot searing grief tore through me within seconds of the injection.
Why did we get to play God? Did we break a moral code ?
Our vet, Mark comforts us with the words: If she was human, we’d be keeping her alive to the bitter end.
Logically this makes sense. Emotionally I am an infant not wanting to let go.
What is kind and what is selfish? I doubt my goodness.
For many months we have been dreading and hoping to find Lucy asleep forever. For an easy way out of ending her life. She’s a survivor and showed no sign of collapse.
She smells pretty bad. She recently started losing control of her urinary tract. She hasn’t had much control over her bowels for over a year. We have been up in the middle of the night for her every night for over a year. But we didn’t mind: A small price to pay for Lucy’s kind, loyal and gentle presence.
We chose today. We could of waited. Some might say we’ve waited too long.
I’m grateful for the rain, the wind, the time in Invermere, Lucy’s home. Being with Lucy’s papa and family veterinarian friend. It could have been worse. It could have been a traumatic death or heart-wretching disappearance.
She’s survived living with bears, wolves and fast driving tourists for the past year. Our new puppy, Snowpatch tormented her and added spice to her life for the past couple months.
She waits in the car while we go hiking and climbing. She used to come with us. Last Christimas she ran on the ski trails with me. One of her last real runs.
She doesn’t like her lack of mobility. She makes the best of it. She tolerates us lifting her in and out of the car. She doesn’t like being in her own poo and pee. She keeps a brave face. She lets us put her diaper on. She found the heart to give us love even when she was in pain. We kept her around for us. I fell deeply in love with Lucy the past couple years. She has such a kind and loving soul.
She wants to be remembered galloping on the trail and frolicking in the snow.
Today I gave her bacon. It was a small offering for her devotion.
We found a special place to make her fire, next to a beautiful tree that we now call, Lucy’s tree.
November 13, 2015 in Invermere with Tim and Snowpatch.